Video game lessons: how not to flirt in real life

February is all about #LoveYourBacklog and appreciating your pile of video games.

But many people will also be thinking about romance and how to spoil their partner now that Valentine’s Day is upon us. If you’re looking for guidance though, I’d highly recommend thinking twice before turning to video game protagonists for advice in this area.

They say that the course of true love never did run smoothly, and that’s certainly the case for some of our favourite characters. For every couple destined to be together, there’s another which seems totally unlikely (I’m looking at you, George and Nico from the Broken Sword series). And for every charming compliment used by a hero to woo their sweetheart, there’s an opposite which is far too cringey.

My most recent experience comes from a game released in 1997. In Atlantis: The Lost Tales, you must free kidnapped Queen Rhea by donning a priestess disguise and breaking into her prison cell. After explaining why you’re there and switching to a guard uniform, she exclaims: “Oh, you really ARE a man!” (As mentioned in my review, she’s likely to be remembered more for outfit than her intellect.)

As someone who’s never been a fan of Valentine’s Day and all that mushy stuff, I’m going to dig into more video games today to bring us some light relief from the overload of hearts, flowers and commercialism. I’ve travelled through the digital world to bring you some of the worst chat-up lines ever spoken. Just don’t blame me if you try using any of these during a date in real life because you’re almost guaranteed to end up with a drink being poured over your head.

Dragon Age: Origins

“Have you ever licked a lamppost in winter?”

I haven’t played Dragon Age: Origins and must admit that I know very little about the game. However, I’m very aware of the horrible line uttered in the clip opposite. I’m confused: does Alistair really believe that this is a good flirting technique during what could have been an incredibly tender moment? I get the feeling that he may have been hanging around with Garrus (see below) for too long and now can’t decide if he’s going for sincere or euphemism. But if it’s the former, please don’t be persuaded to lick a lamppost.

Fable

“Heeey…”

Getting someone to fall in love with you in the world of Fable is as easy as walking up to them and giving a greeting in a smooth voice with a raised eyebrow. Add a Manly Arm Pump or Sexy Hero Pose, give the object of your affection a bunch of roses or box of chocolates, and you’re well on your way to marriage. I’m not sure what I’m most annoyed about in this situation. The Hero for being too lazy to come up with a less cliched approach, or every single inhabitant of the town falling for it every time.

Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers

“There’s something about you. You really touch me.”

Gabriel Knight is a total sleazebag who frequently lets his fondness for pretty ladies get in the way of an investigation. He throws pick-up lines at his assistant Grace so often that it’s a wonder he hasn’t been dragged in front of an employment tribunal. The first time he meets socialite Malia is cringeworthy. With lines like the one above and ‘Your legs are so strong, do you work out at one of the clubs?’, he’s lucky she didn’t slap him before kicking him out of her house. But even though I hate myself for it, I can’t help but love him.

Mass Effect 3

“I’ve got this big gun back at my place I’d like to show you.”

I feel sorry for Garrus. He’s one of my favourite characters in the Mass Effect series and has some really endearing qualities that would make for a great life partner – but he’s going to struggle to find one because he doesn’t have a clue when it comes to romance. After Commander Shepherd tells him he needs a date and introduces him to a fellow Turian at a bar, the only thing he can think to talk about is his gun collection. I’m not sure there’s anything else you could say that would sound more like a euphemism.

Metal Gear Solid

“If you make it back in one piece, maybe I’ll let you do a strip search on me.”

It’s impossible to say that I dislike the most about conversations during Metal Gear Solid It could be the way that the characters think there’s nothing wrong with calling each other for frequent chats during top-secret missions. Perhaps it’s how Snake feels it’s appropriate to start hitting on young Mei Ling immediately after being introduced to her, and while others are on the same line. Or maybe it’s the way Naomi fights for his attention by saying she’ll let him do a strip search. Can anyone else feel their skin crawling right now?

Resident Evil 3

“All the foxy ladies love my accent, it drives them crazy.”

Carlos from Resident Evil 3 stupidly believes that he doesn’t need chat-up lines because his sexy accent does all the hard work upfront. So, when Jill wants to ask him something, his ego automatically assumes she’s going to propose a date. Good for her then that she doesn’t react and instead asks him why he has been sent there. Sounds like Carlos has been taking a few too many tips from the Fable Hero above and should really start putting in a little more effort when it comes to his love life.

The Curse of Monkey Island

“By my congealed blood, you’ll learn to love me!”

Let’s face it: Guybrush Threepwood is a bit of an idiot. He’s sarcastic, insults everyone around him and messes up every single plan he’s involved in. Someone as independent and courageous as Elaine would have been far better off with LeChuck thanks to his many positive qualities. It’s sad then that it’s never going to happen. It’s usually not a good idea to remind the object of your affection that you’re a zombie or make them think about your congealed internal organs when you’re trying to flirt with them.

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

“Is that an ancient Tibetan ritual dagger in your pocket?”

Pete and I have a huge difference of opinion when it comes to Nathan Drake. My husband incorrectly believes that this protagonist is a nice guy with a charming cheeky streak; I think he’s an idiot who has far too much good luck on his side. That’s why I’ll never understand what Chloe sees in him or why she constantly flirts with the douchebag. I’ll give points though for coming up with a bad pick-up line which references his obsession with ancient artefacts though. And no, I’m not talking about Sully in this case.

That concludes today’s lessons in how not to flirt in real life. Whatever you’re doing for Valentine’s Day today, I hope it includes video games somewhere (and not licking lampposts). There’s still time to take part in the #LoveYourBacklog event, if you’re feeling amorous and want to show your gaming library some attention!